Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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