I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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