he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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