you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
