Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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