9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
