I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
