So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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