Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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