My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize