Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
