I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
