This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
