how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize