drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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