I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
