Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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