My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
3 2 1 whiskey
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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