My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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