my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
