he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
