She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
