The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
