The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
