I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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