We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
