I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
