I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
