why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It's blow job season.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
