There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
one two three fourrrrnication!
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
