I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize