dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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