Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
