I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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