I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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