I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
