no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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