What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
