Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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