worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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