I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
