Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
