i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
then he tried to convert me to islam
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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