Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
