I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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