Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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