My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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