i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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