He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
