WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
