i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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