There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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